In Our Spring 2017 Issue

Last Updated March 13, 2017
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EAT YOUR VEGGIES: Still trying to lose weight…or not

I hope all of you who read this had a wonderful holiday season. I know I did and a big part of that was eating Christmas cookies.

So as you read this I may or may not be in the midst of a healthy-eating regimen, otherwise known as a diet. Now, some may contend that not all diets are particularly healthy and they’d be right.

I’m a pretty good example because when the scale aggressively advances beyond the borders I’ve established during my own personal in-depth peace negotiations, I immediately counterattack with a less than medically-approved plan.

Mine is called the Quit Eating Diet. It seems simpler than all those complicated diets, many of which tell you that you can continue to eat three square meals a day. Unfortunately, they either offer pretty small squares or packaged squares you really don’t want to eat.

As I write this I’m on my diet and, yes, the noise in the background is my stomach growling.

I know my plan is bad because I normally skip breakfast, universally believed to the most important meal of the day. If I do eat something, it’s normally a bowl of Rice Krispies without anything on them. Of course, I do bathe them in milk because eating Rice Krispies dry is worse than not eating at all.

The title of my diet is a bit misleading since I don’t entirely quit eating or I’d be writing this column with a court-ordered feeding tube attached to my arm.

On a typical day, I make up for any calorie starvation earlier in the day with late afternoon stacks and a wonderful dinner with my wife, Leslie. She’s a great cook who has been known to prepare something that sometimes negates earlier efforts. Of course, that can prompt further negotiations with the scale in the morning.

The best, and healthiest, weight reduction efforts come when Leslie occasionally resumes her own program on which she’s had success. I won’t say what it is, but you have to be able to add. It effectively limits her portions and any of those high-calorie supplements that most people like to add to their meals. These, of course, are known as desserts.

She doesn’t want to make a separate meal for me, so I normally get a slightly larger version of her meal that is carefully prepared with a hand-held calculator.

When combined with exercise, which I try to maintain to avoid the guilt of an unused YMCA membership, and a still less-than-hearty breakfast, I begin to see results. If that doesn’t work, I try to adjust the scale backwards. I know it isn’t helping the situation, but seeing the prescribed goal pop up on the scale is pleasing in a weird sort of way.

This is the point in this essay where I should warn you not to try this at home. Go ahead and do the scale thing, but my eating regimen is probably not the best. Please, eat a healthy breakfast.

Over my decades of writing I occasionally reflect on the writings of award-winning humorist Dave Barry. Dave crafted a piece a while back that addressed this very topic, referencing a weight-loss program in California that promoted fasting which is a fancier and likely healthier term for what I’ve been doing.

In his piece, Dave was promoting the “The Perpetual Class Reunion Weight Loss Plan,” which he said was an idea he got from his wife who he said virtually ate nothing for the month leading up to her 20th high school class reunion.

In short, she had an incentive to lose weight that is something that could be at the core of any successful and healthy attempt to lose weight.

And it doesn’t have to be your daughter’s wedding.

As for me, I just want to stop moving the scale backwards.

Jon Gast
Co-Owner/Editor of Edible Door

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